Friday, May 30, 2008
I have tried several new recipes this summer, and here are a couple of the winners so far. Enjoy! And share your own yummy recipes in the comments section, please!
Soft Black Bean Tostadas
Salsa:
Remaining ingredients:
Preheat broiler.
To prepare salsa, combine first 5 ingredients in a small bowl. Toss gently, and set aside.
Combine 2 tablespoons water, lime juice, cumin, salt, ground red pepper, and black beans in a blender; process until smooth.
Place tortillas on a baking sheet, and spread about 1/4 cup black bean mixture evenly over each tortilla. Top each evenly with 1/4 cup chicken and 3 tablespoons cheese. Broil 2 minutes or until cheese melts and tortilla edges are just beginning to brown.
Top each tortilla with 1/4 cup lettuce, 1/4 cup salsa, and 2 tablespoons sour cream. Cut each tortilla into 4 wedges.
I like the shells a little crispy, so I broil them for a couple minutes on each side before topping them with the black beans, chicken and cheese and then stick them under the broiler again.
Chicken Orzo Salad with Goat Cheese
2. Combine pasta, chicken, and the next 6 ingredients (through oregano) in a large bowl; toss well.
3. Combine vinegar, oil, salt, and black pepper in a small bowl, stirring with a whisk. Drizzle vinegar mixture over pasta mixture; toss well to coat. Sprinkle with cheese.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean--
the one who has flung herself out of the grass.
The one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down--
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention,
how to fall down into the grass,
how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed,
how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?
~Mary Oliver
My spiritual director gave me this poem on Friday. I usually hate poetry, but I LOVE this one. There were so many points of identification for me. "I do not know how to pray..." Amen, sister! And what if prayer IS paying attention? Listening for God, noticing where God shows up, looking for God's hand all around us--in the complicated eye of a grasshopper, even. I hope I can learn to pay attention. A huge piece of this whole discernment process will be learning to do just that--to notice how I feel doing certain things, to listen to my gut. Sounds so easy as I write this, but I have a terrible time listening to anything but the mind games and rationalization that swirl around in my head.
Also, I spend way too much time listening to the voices around me. I was leaning toward not being a priest before I got the 'yes' from my discernment committee. Then, when I read that 'yes' at the bottom of the page, I suddenly felt like I could really, truly consider the priesthood for the very first time. Perhaps all my negativity and the reason upon reason I piled up in my head trying to talk myself out of the priesthood were all just a smoke screen, a vain attempt to protect myself from possible rejection. Now the door is wide open, and the choice really is mine.
I desperately want to fall in the grass. And I have this vision of me standing in a field and falling straight down, arms outstretched. And as I fall, everyone else--the discernment committee, my friends and parents, Pat and Dan (my supervisors at St. Luke's)--everyone else stays above me. And their opinions and advice stay up there with them, and I am left to fall. All alone I fall in the grass and then, I can truly know what I think about being a priest. The layers of resistance, and the layers of opinions and recommendations are stripped away leaving me with my own, more important, gut feeling about being a priest. That is my hope.
It doesn't feel like it should be this hard to know the answer to the question, "What do you want?" Knowing that I can serve God in whatever I do, that God's will is that I belong to him in whatever capacity I work, what do I want? But for some unknown reason, this question feels impossible right now. Some days I think "just go for it!" And others I feel so clearly that it would be a huge mistake. But I am learning to pay attention.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Wes and I hiked in the Joyce-Kilmer Wilderness Area a couple of weekends ago for 4 days. It was the best hike we've done since moving to Atlanta. We sat by the waterfalls, hiked a lot, got rained on a bit, enjoyed the vistas, and read Barbara Kingsolver's Prodigal Summer (about the Appalachians). I finally got the pics uploaded to my computer, and here they are:
Fording the Slickrock River--one of the twelve times the shoes came off and we waded in!
The third day, we hiked straight up a mountain that was this steep or worse the entire way!
But the views were worth it!
The view from our camp the third night.
On the way back, we did a short hike in an old growth virgin forest. Beautiful!Sunday, May 18, 2008
YES!
translation: I am recommended to the bishop and the commission on ministry for ordination in the Episcopal church. The door is open. Now, should I walk through it?
Friday, May 16, 2008
Tomorrow is my last day of the 8 month discernment program for the priesthood I've been involved in. Tomorrow the three priests running the program will either recommend me to the priesthood or they won't. We were asked to write a final reflection paper about the process to present tomorrow. This is mine:
After reading my mid-point reflection, the one aspect I found conspicuously missing was the question, “Where has God been in this process?” I decided I needed to do some thinking on that before today, and I feel like God has been elusive—not just in DYVE, but in the process of my vocational discernment in general. But I don’t believe in an elusive God, but a present one, who works through people and processes like DYVE, not to mention my own heart. Perhaps God has seemed elusive because I expected God to show up in ways that God refuses—a burning bush, please! I wanted a clear answer, I wanted DYVE to work like a magic potion that, when over, I could know with certainly the vocational path before me. I think I have seen glimpses of God and heard whispers in the things I’ve read and the words I’ve heard from you all throughout DYVE. I think God is telling me that I belong to God, that my path is safe, whichever way it goes, that God is reliable. I am learning that hearing God often takes new ears and new perspectives rather than refusing to hear anything other than what I wanted.
On Good Friday, I listened to a sermon on the words of Jesus, “It is finished.” The preacher talked about her own struggles and fears of failure and inadequacy she felt through her graduate program. As she floundered in writing her papers, continually seeking expert advice from outside herself, her supervisor finally asked her, “when are you going to believe that you have within you enough to write good papers?” She ended her sermon saying, “That’s the message that I think His words convey. There’s nothing more for Him to give us – it is enough, you have all you need, it is finished.” As I listened to her sermon, I found myself crying. Those are the words I have needed to hear because they let me know first that I am not alone in my feelings of insecurity and fear, and secondly, that God is enough, that God has equipped me, that I have everything I need to be faithful, and therefore, to be successful. I think that sermon, and the reflection that has ensued has enabled me to approach today with confidence and peace, not trepidation.
Vocationally I can say that the past 8 months have been rewarding. I have actually figured some stuff out! There is much more I’m still discovering about what I want my life to look like, where God is calling me and for what I am equipped. Since school ended over a week ago, I have felt such a huge sense of relief—the stress has lifted, I spent a few days at the beach and a few days in the mountains and throughout the week have had to remind myself that this day was coming, lest I forget to spend the needed time reflecting and writing. Friends have called asking, “When’s decision day?” and “How are you feeling?” and “What do you think they’ll say?” But to me, today’s decision, regardless of what it is, does not feel like an earth shattering one. I feel centered.
If anything, DYVE has brought me to a place of feeling somewhat comfortable with vocational uncertainty and I have found myself approaching this day with some ambivalence. I think this is because I know that regardless of the word I get today, I am not finished discerning. If I get a yes, I have a lot of work to do before I can think about accepting that yes. If I get a no, I have a lot of work to do to figure out what’s next. Neither option feels ‘right’ and my hopes are not set on either; both will require further exploration. I think my biggest fear, and the thing that will sting, are the reasons behind your no, if there is one. If your no comes on the heels of judgments against my character, and personality traits that make me ‘unfit’ for ministry, it will hurt. If you say no because you think ministry would make me unhappy, because you see God working in a different direction, I think I will feel grateful, and affirmed, though rejection is hard for overachievers like myself, regardless of whether it’s best or not. Though I am leaning more toward not being a priest and hope that my instincts are confirmed today, if I get a positive recommendation from you all today, I will take that very seriously.
I am so grateful for the opportunity to be part of a discernment program like DYVE. Tracy, Sierra and Dan, you have taught me that I am not alone in the uncertainty I feel about my vocation, in the inability to know myself fully, in the fears I carry with me, in the hard work of overcoming my past and my present demons. I feel privileged to know the things I know about each of you and to share in some small way in the life experiences that have brought you here. I found myself feeling excited to share this day with you all.
Without DYVE, I’m not sure that I would have discovered the barriers I face in knowing myself and being able to discern my vocation more fully. It would be dishonest to say that it has been ‘fun’ or that I have always felt grateful. Some Saturdays I came home angry and more confused than ever. Some Saturdays I came home and found myself unable to function—exhausted and in a heap on the couch for the afternoon. I did not always welcome your words and probing, the advice and observations. Sometimes I thought you were plain wrong, other times I thought could not be more right. Sometimes I couldn’t make heads or tails of it—and often I thought the Spirit must be working because it didn’t seem possible that three people who barely knew me could know me better than I know myself, even if I was unwilling to admit it at times. DYVE has been difficult, but rewarding. I am glad it’s over, and I am even more glad I did it, stuck with it and made the most of it.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Summer has arrived! I've spent the last week after finishing finals on a 3-day camping trip at the beach and a 4 day backpack trip in the Appalachians with Wes. Both were fantastic. Wes and I realized that we have not been backpacking since the summer we left Seattle 2 years ago!! Pathetic. This trip certainly renewed our passion for hiking, mountains and getting 'away from it all'--we didn't even bring a watch!
Wes is once again in the throes of studying for his medical board exam at the end of June. I'm not looking forward to the next 41 days, to say the least. And he isn't either :) But it was delightful to have a little respite from the storm last weekend.
I know most people don't have the luxury of living by the academic year, but these transitions between semesters and years of school always provide nice avenues for reflection and incorporating changes into the structure of life. I was telling my friends I went camping with that I have a vision of this summer as being one for regaining my 'true self.' I'm either setting myself up for disappointment, or it's going to be a great summer! :)
Really though, I think school, stress and laziness has caused the things I want to do in my daily life fall by the wayside. So my summer goals are:
1. Pray. I've found a spiritual director/mentor who I really like and I think she will go a long way in helping me learn to practice prayer in a way that works for me. I don't want to revert back to the daily bible reading/prayer journal model I have always done. There's nothing wrong with that, it just doesn't feed me. I need to get more creative and look for different ways to listen to God. But this one is at the top of my list.
2. Read. I have a huge list of novels to read this summer. Wes and I started Prodigal Summer, by Barbara Kingsolver while we were hiking (it's about the Appalachians). Others include Bel Canto, Run, East of Eden, The Glass Castle, 100 Years of Solitude, Thousand Splendid Suns (yes, I'm behind...), The Color Purple, Suite Francoise, maybe some Hemingway, Chekhov and Ann Lamott. Any other suggestions?
3. Exercise. I've got a pilates partner, and the pool is open. Time for lap swimming, running and toning. Too much time sitting at a desk does not do wonders for the physique. And with Alaskan backpacking and hiking coming up, this girl needs to build some muscles. That was utterly apparent as I stumbled my way up a (very steep!) trail last weekend at a much lower elevation:)
4. Organize. It is the summer of being domestic! I have a huge list of household organizational projects to do, which include such exciting things as organizing the spice drawer, cleaning closets, getting rid of clothes and some gardening. Also, I've been trying to expand my recipes and we have three new ones on the menu this week. I'm not crazy about cooking, but I love variety and eating new things, and can actually enjoy it when I have the time to do it.
So, I think I should write a book. Maybe I'll call it Sweat, Pray, Read. Or something.
