Morning Rounds and Evening Musings

I had lunch with a wonderfully irreverent Episcopal priest yesterday. She was the designated chaplain for me and my fellow discernment team as we went through DYVE this last year. Of course, I never really took advantage of her presence. But, she emailed us last week to hear what the decision with DYVE had been, and when I told her I had been recommended to the priesthood, but would most likely turn it down and was exploring non-profit, she got really excited.

This is big, because most people get really confused, or look like they're taking pity on me when I tell them I could be a priest, but don't know if I want to. Granted, it's sort of ridiculous to go through a year of a very trying discernment process only to turn down their recommendation--especially when most people are pining for that yes all the way through discernment.

Anyway, we went to lunch so that I could hear her story. Turns out, she also went through the ordination process all wrong, and didn't even start discernment until after she finished seminary. She went to an ecumenical seminary (not an Episcopal one like you're supposed to) and doesn't really care one bit about what the bishop thinks of her (church hierarchy is not my favorite thing, either...) Now, she works part-time at a non-profit, and is an associate priest at a parish.

I get so tired of hearing that I've done it wrong, that I'm crazy to say no to the priesthood, that I need to go to a school where I can get Episcopal formation, and that I need to fill the bishop in on my plans (like he even knows who I am). I'm tired of church people's idea that non-profit is a lesser calling (because it IS a calling!)

Also, I'm tired of worrying about this whole vocational question. I'm tired of feeling like I might not be in the center of God's will if I say no, or if I say yes. As if God's will is a like a straight and narrow road that it's far to easy to step off of. I hope God's will is more all-encompassing than that, and that God can accomplish whatever it is God wills no matter what desk I'm behind. I know God cares about me and about this vocational struggle, but I am not so arrogant as to think that God's will depends on me making a right decision (at least not when I'm being rational). Wouldn't we all be in trouble if that were the case?

Mostly, it's just nice to know I'm not alone.

I ran across this blog today--it was a link on a friend's blog page. It chronicles the life of another 3rd year medical student. I don't know what it's actually like to be a third year medical student (this is Lauren writing, obviously) but it was interesting to read about this person's experience and think about it in comparison to Wes' and the conversations we've been having lately.

During his break between boards and 3rd year clinicals, he writes:

"Since being alone and back home, I've been doing a lot of remembering. Remembering who I am, who I have been and who I've wanted to grow into. It involved some checking in with myself to see if I'm living up to the man that I was hoping to be at this point. In some ways, yes, in some ways, no. I believe that God is steering me down the right paths right now and that His grace is enough to get me through the rough patches."

It seems that the feeling of medicine being all-encompassing is universal! And that time-off is critical for remembering, as it was for us during Wes' month off. Just thought it was an interesting perspective...

I figure if I say this on my blog, it will mean that I'll have to do it. So, consider this my formal announcement, and commitment to do the Mistletoe State Park Triathlon in July 2009!

This triathlon is called a sprint--it's the shortest distance triathlon there is with a 600m swim, a 12 mile bike ride and a 3 mile run. I can do each of those things separately, so we'll see if I can build my endurance enough to do them each back to back!

This decision came partly from the peer pressure of friends who did the race this last July, and partly as a recognition that the fitness goals I set for myself are finally coming to fruition, and I want to continue to improve endurance and overall health. Having a goal will hopefully help me do that, once my schedule gets way busier!

As for those other goals I wrote about at the beginning of the summer:

1. Pray. Still have a ways to go on this one, surprise, surprise! But, I will say that meeting with my spiritual director has been really helpful, and freeing. The poem she gave me, 'falling in the grass' allowed me to connect with God in an authentic way like I haven't in awhile. so that is a definite signal to me about new ways to pray.

2. Reading was really fun this summer. It was the summer of Barbara Kingsolver, Ann Patchet, Jhumpa Lahiri, and Cormac McCarthy. I joined another book club, and hope to continue reading one novel per month for fun. We'll see!

3. Exercise has been the most rewarding in terms of attaining goals. I was frustrated in June after I had been working out 6 days per week with almost nothing to show for it. But now that it's August, I'm seeing some of the rewards of my labor. I provided myself incentives for meeting my weekly goals (mostly pedicures!) which were instrumental to my motivation. I'm now lowering my weekly goals to exercising 5 days per week (instead of 6). I find that when I have two days off, my workouts are more successful and I perform much better. We'll see how I do with school!

Lauren added me on as an official contributor to this blog about a month ago now, when I told her that I wanted to start blogging as a way to keep track of my thoughts this year.  

Finally found the camera cord, so here are some pictures of the hummingbirds that have finally found our feeder (there are tons!) and our hike to the tallest mountain in Georgia last weekend.

Wes and I enjoying the view at the top of Blood Mountain.

Ok, granted, Georgia's tallest mountain is only 4600 feet tall. These mountains look more like rolling hills when compared to the Rockies or the Cascades. And it was only a 4 mile trek (one-way) to get there. Nonetheless, now we can say we've been to the top of Georgia. And, we're growing in appreciation for the Appalachian Mtns--their mysterious mist, beautiful colors and diversity of species.

Wes and I both just got a craving for brownies! cookies! anything sweet! But instead of doing an emergency sweet tooth grocery store run, I cut up two giant pieces of honeydew melon, squeezed some lime juice on top, and I'm pleased to say it did the trick! After all, with HONEY in the name, how could we go wrong?

Lately, my job has actually felt like a real job. I've been working 40+ hours in an attempt to get things all lined up before the undergrads come back to school at the end of next week. Then, the recruiting, training and coordinating of my volunteers begins.

I still love my job, but the pressure of getting these projects done has so far been a good lesson in what it might be like to work in the non-profit field. A few examples:

- I've spent the last two months working with a graphic designer to roll out new publicity for ProjectSHINE (Students Helping in Naturalization and English). We now have posters, programs, and a fancy tri-fold brochure that has been redone and revised lots of times. There's quite a price tag to all this, but I felt it was worth our money and time. The biggest issue I had was with our logo, which is a silly, little curly-cue sun. But, what can you do? That's our logo. So we went with it. Not two hours after I sent our finalized brochure to the printer, I received an email from someone at the national ProjectSHINE office notifying me that there was a new website. I went to check it out, and low and behold! A NEW, and much improved LOGO was all over the new website, essentially making my brochure and all our hard work out-of-date before it's even off the press!!

- Since a large part of job is recruiting volunteers, one would think that we would have pretty comprehensive lists of those who have volunteered in previous years as they are most likely to come and volunteer again. Makes sense, right? WRONG. The list serv for previous volunteers has not been updated for two years. And, I found at least 25 excel spreadsheets with lists of names and emails, some hand written pieces of paper with scribbled email addresses. Mind you, none of these were labeled, and could have been years old. Or not. It took me six hours to cross check all those lists, make sure those who graduated were taken off and those who wanted to volunteer were included on our email list. Something that would have been nice to know in June, when I was looking for projects to fill my time....

Good lessons! And fairly typical snafus in a line of work where people are overworked, underpaid, and asked to do lots of jobs unrelated to training and experience (hello? Me doing marketing?).

I remember hearing that seminary is hard on marriages and that I could expect to see divorces before I came to Candler. I didn't think much of it. But now only weeks before entering my third year, I have watched two of my friends' new and fragile marriages fall apart.

One of them is only now officially over, after a year and half long saga of one spouse simply opting out, leaving the country and refusing reconciliation. The other saga has just begun--and will hopefully end in healing rather than separation, but only time will tell.

It makes me sad. There's no more complex way to explain it. We make these incredible promises to each other joyfully, and with great hope only to break them over and over again, sometimes so grievously it seems irreparable.

If anything, these broken relationships are a wake up call for Wes and I. We have done extraordinarily well balancing our promises to each other with the other demands on our time and attention. But with rather separate and independent lives for the time being, it's easy to become roommates instead of lovers. It's easy for resentment to brood, and for tired minds and bodies to yield to conflict.

My friend finds herself surprised that her marriage has come to this. Discord is one thing, but sitting on the brink of separation is quite another. And that is almost the scariest thing of all--the way separation can creep in before we even realize the direness of the situation.

Last year, when friend's marriage #1 fell apart, I succumbed to great fear about my own marriage. If it can happen to them?!.... But now, I feel confidant and peaceful about Wes and I. We have proven resilient to difficulties that arise again and again, aware and honest of times when those time of some dissatisfaction arise leaving us more open to creeping separation, and constantly working toward making 'us' better and choosing to love despite our circumstances or frustrations. If anything, our shortcomings--though leaving the other unfulfilled at times--hopefully continually point us to the One who has no shortcomings, and who fulfills completely and perfectly.

" But in the books again, great joy through love seemed always to go hand in hand with frightful pain. still, he thought, looking out across the meadow, still, the joy would be worth the pain--if, indedd they went together. If there were a choice between, on the one hand, the heights and the depths and, on the other hand, some sort of safe, cautious middle way, he, for one, here and now chose the heights and the depths." ~ A Severe Mercy

Cumberland Island is one of those regional legends. Cumberland Island is to Georgia what Yellowstone or Glacier National Park is to Montana. It's what Mt. Ranier and the Space Needle are to Seattle. Just of the coast of Georgia, Cumberland Island is a preserved wilderness area with no roads, empty beaches and wild horses. Sometimes you can see manatees, and armadillos. There are hiking trails draped with spanish moss, and ruins of mansions from the Carnegie's and Kennedys. It's one of a kind. A must see, our friends said.

And so, when Wes' parents very graciously put us up in a B&B of our choice for one of Wes' weekends off in July, we chose to go to the coast to explore Cumberland (and the other enticing barrier islands). After an hour drive, and a 45 minute ferry ride, we stepped off the boat determined to escape the other 50 tourists who had made the trip with us. We rented bikes, and sped off up the road for 5 or 7 miles before we found a trail that headed to the beach.

Despite the fact that Cumberland Island is an island, it does not have those island breezes or mild temperatures like Hawaii. And the humidity? Definitely twice as bad as on the mainland. So, our little bike excursion left us looking like someone had hosed us down. Wes kept asking if I was crying, when really it was the sweat dripping down my face. I'm not exaggerating. We were ready to hit that beach.

So we ditched our bikes, and headed down what turned out to be the buggiest marsh EVER. By the end of the 1 1/2 mile trek, I had 27 mosquito bites on my left arm. That's only one arm. So then I start running, but quickly remember my legs are stuck together by unceasing humidity. We finally made it to the beach, pulled out a mango from our pack and headed into the water. But not before Wes found a tick on his foot, and I found another on my thigh.

These discoveries forced a thorough inspection hoping there weren't more ticks to discover. Thankfully, there were no more ticks. Instead, I had about 100 chiggers crawling and burrowing all over my body. Somewhere along the way, I must have stepped in a nest of them, because there was a huge patch on my foot, and they had made their way up my legs. They were gross. And they left me with blistery, itchy red dots all over myself. I look like I have scabies.

But the beach was nice. And if it wasn't for the fact there there was an equally beautiful beach oh, about 2 feet from our B&B we might have appreciated it more. But even the little appreciation we had for the cool water occured before we remembered that we needed to get back before the ferry left, unless we wanted to spend the night on this gem of an island.

But I was not about to get another 100 chiggers all over me by going back on the same trail.

So we headed down the beach for 2 miles, cut inland 2 miles and went back up the main road another couple of miles for our bikes we left at the trailhead. We had to run part of it (do I need to remind again of the INCESSANT heat and humidity?). And low and behold, at the trailhead we saw an armadillo rumaging through the leaves, and we were like,

"oh look! An armadillo!"

"Cool! Um, we have like 2o minutes before our boat leaves without us..."

And we sped off on our bikes, going as fast as our legs would take us with no water and a ridiculous amount of sweat drenching us.

We made it. Just barely. And we traveled home with a extra large Sprite and exhausted expressions on our faces as we tried to decide what exactly the appeal of Cumberland Island had been.

We saw wild horses. And how many people can say that? Except that wild horses are just like regular, domesticated horses. They stand there and eat and swat flies with their tails. If we had seen them fending off other wild horses from their territory or galloping down the beach in a herd, maybe wild horses would be cool. But don't hold your breath. And never, EVER go to Cumberland Island in July.