Morning Rounds and Evening Musings

I am done! And halfway through seminary! Looking at that last post, I feel like a whiny, spoiled little girl and I'm tempted to delete it. But I suppose this blog should display the real me, not just the sides of myself I feel ok about. To be honest, it probably wasn't the worst week of my life, but the mental tricks my brain played on me that week made me think it was. It's amazing what 13 hours a day in a cold, stark library does for one's psyche. Yuck. I have a new appreciation for Wes, who endures an incapacitating week like that once a month (and who is studying with Jesse at our dining room table for the 4th day in a row as I write this). I could never do it. Never, never.

The busyness of the last couple weeks have kept me from reflecting on Advent as much as I would have liked. Wes and I are still learning how to live in this whole church calendar business, and are excited and unsure about forming our own holiday traditions. This year brought more progress than last--we have a Christmas tree, an Advent calendar and have been reading Advent reflections (sporadically) and lighting our Advent candles each week.

I am reminded that our little traditions and my desire to do all the right things--attend lessons and carols, light the candle, etc.--are no substitute for the work of actually contemplating the coming of Christ. Ultimately, while my Christmas tree reminds me it's Christmastime, it doesn't point to Jesus. Of course, not much in this world does point to Jesus and that's really the point, isn't it? How am I supposed to celebrate the arrival of Christ whose incarnation made salvation possible and inaugurated the kingdom of God when the world is so &%@! up?! That is the question I've been asking myself this Advent. Not that I have an answer, other than to say that Advent is about just that--the waiting. We wait like an expectant mother anticipating her baby, wanting it right now and at the same time not wanting to interrupt her body's perfect timing. I am not good at waiting. But then again, I bet God's tired of waiting for us too:

"If it is true that God in Jesus Christ is waiting for our response to divine love, then we can discover a whole new perspective on how to wait in life. We can learn to be obedient people who do not always try to go back to the action but who recognize fulfillment of our deepest humanity in passion, in waiting. If we can do this, I am convinced that we will come in touch with the glory of God and our own new life." ~ Henri Nouwen, "The Spirituality of Waiting" (thanks Marcus!)

I am in the middle of quite possibly the most stressful week of my entire life. That might be a little melodramatic, but if it is, it really is only a slight exaggeration.

I have written 19 pages so far, and I have 23 to go. Plus a Hebrew exam, plus an all-day discernment meeting on Saturday. Blech. Working 10 hours at CARE, teaching two Sunday School classes, writing 40+pages, studying for an exam, doing vocational discernment and oh, yeah, remembering to eat, get dressed and maintain some personal hygiene is proving to be almost more than I can handle. I hope that it is only lack of sleep talking, and that tomorrow I will feel refreshed and rested and not sick and ready to pump out a Sunday School lesson and 10 or so pages. That would be awesome.

I have never asked for an extension before, and this may be a first. We'll see how I feel Thursday night. It's quite a humbling thing. And also, it makes me into a crazy woman who feels like anything unexpected could send me over the edge.

So what am I doing writing on my blog in the middle of this crazy week, you ask? Well, I am coming down with a cold, or am having a terrible allergy attack or both and cannot fall asleep because every time I get close, I start sneezing. Plus, the end of the day puts me in this weird place of being totally exhausted and completely buzzed and jittery at the same time. Not a good combo for sleep. It's like with little kids when they get to the point of being too tired, bedtime becomes not so easy.

Need sleep, send prayers! (that's better than need help, send money, right?)

Wes' Grandma Beverly died today. She went somewhat unexpectedly, but seemingly peacefully, for which we are thankful. Also, the last 6 months of her health issues and various health crises that each seemed to bring her to the brink of death have made me realize how much better it is to process death and say goodbyes while our loved ones are still living. I'm so thankful for the last two times we (and especially Wes) got to spend with Grandma Beverly; they were times of joy and laughter, and tears and sadness both. We will miss her.

Beverly's death today, on this first Sunday of Advent reminds me yet again that we perpetually sit in this season of expectation--this tension between the 'already' and the 'not yet.' This world is messy and broken. It's a world where old women have to struggle for each breath, where daughters say goodbye to their mothers, and where death seems permanent. And then there is a baby, an unassuming infant, whose birth shattered our world. What can the arrival of this Emmanual--God with us--mean for us on this day? As we wait for and remember Christ's birth, we also wait for him to come back again to make everything right. I'm so thankful for the breakthrough of our of Savior who's birth turned the world upside down and conquered death for us all. Advent reminds me that things are not as they will be and that God's work through Jesus isn't finished.

This post is more than a little overdue, but I suppose communicating our thankfulness is a practice that can and should be appropriate at other time besides those the holiday dictates. In thinking about all the things I have been thankful for throughout the past year--international travel, financial provision, family, school (most of the time) and a great husband--the thing I have felt most poignantly thankful for this fall has been a feeling of rootedness.

For the first time since graduation, I feel like this place could be home. We have made good friends, we know the city, we're delighted with our church, making professional and personal connections, and exploring the area. Last year I remember feeling frustrated at my difficulty in making friends, while this year has yielded great new friends in unexpected places.
One of the things I realized I missed the most were girlfriends. I have always had close girlfriends in every stage of life, many of whom I still consider my best friends who remain a part of my journey despite the distance. But sometimes a girl needs physical, tangible friends, too. Friday night drinks with Becca and Ingrid, coffee with Lauren, and a book club with several great women have reminded me how important those relationships are, and how much I have missed them in recent years.

So this Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for roots, however shallow.