Morning Rounds and Evening Musings

Vocational discernment has been a constant struggle for me in my short-lived life. I resigned myself to a communication major for the first two years of school, feeling frustratingly dispassionate. I was an aimless until I found theology. I love theology; I love school. Seminary was the logical next step, right? If I keep studying what I love to study, eventually it will lead me to job I love. This has always been my mantra. But it is backfiring. I am realizing that I cannot be a passive onlooker in this whole quest for discernment. I actually have to make strategic decisions; I need to choose from many interests and possibilities, a job that will be fulfilling and meaningful.

Those Bible folks had it so easy. Moses gets God in a burning bush, Isaiah gets a seraph searing his mouth to enable prophecy, Ezekiel gets a crazy vision of God sitting above the dome calling him to go pronounce destruction, Jeremiah gets a word from the Lord, audible and clear, Paul gets knocked of his horse, the disciples get miracles of fish...the stories go on and on.

The astounding thing is, all these prophets had something to say about their call from God. Moses doesn't speak well, Jeremiah is too young, Paul was an enemy of God, Amos was a herdsmen and a dresser of sycamore trees--hardly a prophet's resume. Despite their objections, the call was loud and clear and God was never one to let them off the hook.

The past week has brought on something of a vocational crisis. Here are the things brewing on my horizon and in my tiny mind:

* Non-profit. This has always been something I could see myself getting into. But after applying to about a gizillion non-profit jobs upon returning from Russia and getting rejected from all of them, I feel demoralized about my prospects. This week, however, an opportunity to intern for CARE International was unexpectedly dropped in my lap. This could mean an even crazier year with more work than I can handle, but it could also mean a really great opportunity to break into a field that is hard to crack.

* Education. I love to teach. I especially like to teach theology. This year, I will get to try my luck at Christian Education at St. Luke's, where I am interning. My supervisory priest is an incredible teacher herself, so this is a fantastic opportunity. Of course, the question becomes 'in what capacity?' Christian Ed in a church? In a private school? On a purely volunteer basis in my spare time while I get paid to do something else?

* Old Testament Scholar. Even acknowledging this as a possibility cracks me up. I LOVE the Old Testament. I love school, and I like college kids more than the younger varieties. But, PhD programs are practically impossible to get into. Once I'm in, teaching jobs are hard to come by. I would probably end up teaching in some school in Iowa or Kansas or something when all I really want to do is teach at SPU. Alas! Plus, any Bs in any of my O.T. classes throughout seminary mean that I can basically kiss this dream goodbye--seriously! To add to the confusion, I got the highest grade in the class on my last Hebrew exam, but I am almost surely to get a B on a very demanding midterm in Exile and Restoration--taught by one of the world's leading O.T. scholars whose recommendation I would surely need for PhD applications, but am unlikely to get without a stellar performance in her class.

* Ordination. Save the most confusing for last! I do not want to be a parish priest. But, in talking with my site supervisors at St. Luke's recently, I have been reexamining the reasons for my aversion. Mostly, they involve fear--the same kind of fear experienced by Jeremiah (I'm too young!) Moses (I'm unskilled!) and the disciples (I'm not sure want this lifestyle...). I'm not sure I'm comfortable shutting this door out of fear. So, the first step toward figuring this out in the Episcopal Church is a process called...drum roll...discernment. I have been toying with the idea of entering discernment as a way to explore these issues further with a board of priests and lay people who are all excited to help me figure out these questions. While I thought I might possibly enter discernment next fall, I was invited today to enter into this year's cycle, which starts Saturday!!

You might get the picture that I am highly confused and you would be right about that. There are so many open doors right now and there is no clear word from God. Where is my burning bush? I could use a lightening bolt, a vision, a voice from heaven, whatever. I'm not picky, really. Just something besides the same objections, doubts and options circling round and round in my head. I am not good at this. I want so desperately to do God's will to be right where God wants me that I find myself nowhere. At some point, a leap of faith will be required, I have no doubt, I'm just having this sense that this leap might be coming sooner than I was expecting.

I may not have burning bushes, but I do believe that God still speaks. And the primary way God has spoken to me in the past has been through the people around me. So people, speak up!