Tuesday, January 8, 2008
"You lack humility." Those words have been replaying in my mind since the day Rev. Lowe said them to me during our last discernment for ordination meeting in November. Harsh words, and all because I ranted for a bit after she recommended I read Eat, Pray, Love, a book I despise (though I haven't read it). It's about a woman who divorces her husband and subsequently finds spiritual enlightenment gorging herself on pasta in Italy, and having lots of sex with her Hindu guru. Or so I gather from the interviews of the author, Elizabeth Gilbert, on NPR and Oprah. I'm sorry, but I have no interest in reading about some narrow, new age view of spiritual fulfillment for divorced, rich, suburban white women with money to burn. And that's exactly what I told Rev. Lowe when she implied that Gilbert might have something to teach an insecure, highly-driven academic like myself. Looking back, I might have come off as a tad bit arrogant. Just a bit.
The comment stemmed from my revelation that I had never received a C in class, hated B+s and read classics for fun. Rev. Lowe concluded that I don't know how to relax (not true--just because I read Crime and Punishment in my free time rather than murder mysteries, Rev. Lowe's standard of entertainment, doesn't mean that I'm a boring, high-strung weirdo). What I was hoping to get some help with was the paralyzing insecurities I face when writing Old Testament papers and reasoning through my vocational options post-May 2009. I didn't make much progress as far as that goes, other than the catharsis that came with revealing the truth of the matter I work hard to conceal to someone besides Wes and my closest friends.
Still, I found it hard to see why a discussion about my insecurity lead Rev. Lowe to say that I was prideful. It seems my problem is usually the opposite. But whether her comment stemmed from a reactionary response to my statement about phony authors or from something else, I haven't been able to get her words out of my head during the last month. And, more often than not, they've rung true. I do lack humility. And that's hard to say, especially because it's a lesson learned from a woman I don't particularly care for.
I am a person who needs to ask questions and needs to dabble in the controversial before I can reach conclusions. But often those questions and convictions gradually begin to serve as simply another way to exercise my holier-than-thou attitude, rather than the way they might have begun--as a truthful quest for what's right.
So my question is, how can I be honest about my distaste for Eat, Pray, Love and its message, how can I have a true conviction about wealth and its potential for sinfulness and express my belief that our economic life is totally wrapped up in what it means to be followers of Christ, how can I say that Jesus would want women to preach and teach and that he would be disgusted at much of George Bush's policies and the American (and my own) complacency in the face of poverty and that he might be more concerned with what we do with our money than whether a gay man is a bishop...how can I ask these questions, express my belief, struggle with such controversial issues in an authentic way? How can I have a conviction, try to live by it and orient my thinking and life around it without feeling the need to inflict that conviction on others? After all, that's sort of the point of all this moral and theological exploration, right? Finding truth to the best I can and seeking to live by it? So if I really think what I'm doing is right, how can I share that belief without using it to posit my righteousness over and against the one who disagrees?
After all, Jesus gives us a model of rather undomesticated zeal and tactlessness. Turning over tables and calling people a 'brood of vipers' doesn't exactly reek of humility either.
Of course, my life doesn't look like Jesus'. Maybe you have to actually be poor, and work for justice, and oh yeah, sacrifice your life to atone for guilty in order to do stuff like that. And ultimately, most of my interactions involving politics or money or women or theology or anything controversial involve me asserting my opinion in order to prove another wrong. Oh, I like to frame it as virtuousness-- "I think doing such and such with money is wrong..."--but really it serves to highlight my virtue, my righteousness, my infinite knowledge of what it means to be a real Christian. In other words, I lack humility.
But I still want to be able to think about these issues, to ask the question, "Is homosexuality a sin?" and "What does the parable of the rich young servant mean for us today?" without arousing arguments, without questions of my eternal salvation, without heated debates and the shouts of 'fem-nazi!' I heard throughout college. I need to be able to ask questions, to struggle authentically, and to make conclusions about morality insofar as I am able. And I need to be able to be myself--a self who has opinions, and will never be a 'super sweet', as my friend Megan and I always called those girls boys always liked in college. Wes says I need to give others more credit and that my expectation of judgment and accusation is a self-fulfilling prophecy. I hope he's right. And I hope and pray for patience from those around me as I learn the difficult balance of being myself--the good part of myself that is as God intended me to be when God created me--and undergoing the difficult transformation of the self that disembarked from God's created intentions that day.
I think that many times I, too disguise my own self-aggrandizement as being committed to social justice, human rights, or whatever. It feels good in a way for me to be able to say that I am better than the other person sitting across from me in class because I don't drive an SUV, and I'm going to cap my income at $50,000. Take that!
But, in part of your post, you say, "How can I have a conviction, try to live by it and orient my thinking and life around it without feeling the need to inflict that conviction on others?". And I don't really feel like that's the point of what we're supposed to be doing. If we really, truly, feel like someone else is living in a wrong way, a way that is detrimental to themselves and to everyone else, don't we owe it to them and others to try to change the way that they are acting? Even though some, if not most of my convictions have components of pride at their roots, I feel that my job is to rid myself of the pridefulness connected to those convictions, not to think that I shouldn't try to change that other person. That person shouldn't be driving that SUV!
I like reading your posts, and hope that you'll keep writing more.
Wes
I have all kinds of questions! For instance, Wes' remark about your expectation of accusation and judgement. Or, exactly why did Rev Lowe think you lack humility? Exactly why do you think you lack it? But let's ignore those for now. (BTW, I already don't like Rev Lowe either)
I don't see you as lacking humility, or being arrogant. But yet, there are times when any one of us, I'm sure including you, may display these very things. It makes me wonder, exactly what is arrogance?
I really have to think about a couple people I know/knew who quite obviously have/had both very well developed notions of how we ought to live and yet conveyed no disdain in their dealings with me and others.
Karen and I agree, one of course was Scott Becker, the other is Richard Dahlstrom. In both cases, being with those people made us feel important and special. What they think, where they stand on issues is clear, but I don't feel smaller or threatened being with them. Though I would often feel challenged and moved to consider my own actions. What is their secret?
Scott
First, I have to agree with you about that book. I heard the author also on NPR, and I thought the whole premise of her book was disgusting as well. I have no intention of reading it, and I'm awfully glad a mentor/priest did not suggest that I do so. The thing that amazes me, is that several of my godly Christian friends have read it, and thought it was wonderful. Go figure!
Pride is such a difficult thing to deal with. Don't we all lack humility in one way or another? Maybe I think I'm better than someone because I sleep in a tent and not in a motor home while I'm camping, and then I find out they're the one who spent days helping out victims of our recent flood, while I stayed comfortably at home and did nothing about it. After all, I tithe and volunteer at church!
Or, maybe I look down on with a superior attitude (when just maybe it's envy), on my friend who lives in a waterfront mansion. Couldn't that $ have been better spent on the needs of the poor? Then I find out all the countless ways she and her husband give their time and resources to needy people in the church and the community.
The people I admire most, and aspire to be like, are the ones who have very strong convictions, and desire to be a means of positive change in the world, but who express that message in a humble way, without making the listener feel inferior. They are the ones who are gifted with inspiring others to be better people--to give more, to live differently, and to sacrifice more. I think this message can't get through to people to affect change if it's given from a sense of superiority and in an arrogant manner.
I love this quote from Scott Becker's blog, when he describes certain practices and disciplines which he always tried to follow--"the habit of choosing, when the choice is given to me, to express gratitude, to make space in myself for someone who is different from me, to forbear rather than to find fault".
I appreciate your candidness and honesty, Lauren.
Karen
You've given me lots to think about; thanks for being so honest Lauren.
-Sarah J.
I appreciate your comments, Wes, but as you know, differ from you in the conclusion of all this. I don't think it is my responsibility to "change the way" someone else is acting, other than by providing an example of an alternative way. Of course, there are times when confrontation is appropriate, but I think it's rather rare.
I think about our friends who are much more virtuous than me and yet do not seem to struggle with humility in the same way I do. Jesse is one, Karl another. Still, Jesse did confront us when he thought we were doing something irresponsible, and it sharpened our thinking on the subject. If given the invitation, he might confront us on a lot more, but I think I learn more watching him live his life in accordance with his principles.
In response to Scott, I define my arrogance, in this case anyway, as using my opinions or convictions (however passionately I may believe in them) to assert my righteousness over another's. That's also why I think I lack it--because I see myself doing this all the time. Lori thought I was arrogant, I think (I'm still slightly confused, but ultimately it doesn't really matter) because of the way I responded to her suggestion that I read Eat, Pray, Love. She saw me simply refusing the wisdom of another as arrogant. Perhaps she's got a point.
Karen--thank you for your candidness as well, both on this blog and in conversations this week. I appreciate your honesty, and hope that if you see pride or anything else in me you feel free to bring it to my attention as well. I'm quite comfortable with confrontation!
And Sarah--I know you were reading, but I appreciate your first comment! Thanks friend!
Scott asked what is arrogance? I would ask what is humility? I don't think I have met many humble people in my life. I can think of a few - Al Edwards, Doug and Mo Neihart, Jason Barrie, and although I hardly new him, Scott Becker struck me as a humble man. I think your father-in-law is a humble man, and I think Wes may be on his way towards developing the quality.
As I think about what makes these people seem humble to me, a few things stand out. First, they are all great communicators, and even more so, great listeners. You know that you are safe with these people - that even if they disagree with you, they will respond gently to what you have to say, and will seriously reflect on what you have to say, even if their idea is quite different. They exude grace, and they have a rich capacity to love people deeply. Second, they don't take themselves or their accomplishments too seriously. I'll never forget a conversation I was listening to between Doug and a teenager. The teenager said, "Wow, you really have alot of degrees." Doug immediately replied, "Yea, so does a thermometer, and you know where we put those."
You are a bit like me (so sorry). You have strong convictions, and sometimes the manner in which you share them puts others off. But you are much further along than I ever was at your age. You recognize how this sometimes creates conflicts, and are struggling with how you should respond to people, still being truthful and honest, but not coming off as harsh, arrogant, or prideful. I struggle with the same thing, and will my whole life. Just today Mary laughed and said to me, "you are so intense." We laughed together about my "singlemindedness" when I'm thinking deeply about something.
I disagree with Wes, as you do, that we owe it to others to try to change the way they are thinking, if we feel they are living a wrong way. There are times when we should, but not many people pull it off without coming off as harsh and judgemental. I agree with Scott, that people who do this well never make you feel small. And Karen touches on the same conclusion - that our delivery has a huge impact on how the message is received.
So, keep on thinking, and reflecting. And I'll keep on praying for you (and me) that God will continue to teach us to season our words with grace.
Mom
I'm not sure how this all applies, or if it does at all. Seems to me we are all guilty of pride to some degree or another. Who can stop thinking about themselves? I can't even write these comments without thinking about how others who posted comments on this blog will react to mine. If only I could write these words (or do anything) purely to serve others. That would be true humility, wouldn't it? It seems that we often do things just so others will approve and we know they would like that. Is that concept pride (concern for my image) or humility (concern for others)?
But now to deal with your question, Lauren, about how one expresses one’s convictions without coming off as prideful. That’s a tough one! Some people are obviously better at that than others (those people already mentioned). I think it takes years to cultivate and being successful at it hinges on that definition of humility – the part about showing deferential respect to others. If you can do that, no matter who they are or what they have to say, you will have great success. This doesn’t mean you necessarily agree with them. You probably won’t. But if your heart truly feels this way towards others, honest discussions about the truth, and not prideful accusations, will result.
I can't contribute much to the wonderful discussion you've sparked here on your blog. I just wanted to thank you for posting about things that turn my mind from poopy diapers and runny noses to reaching for Christ and authentically loving others. I forget to think sometimes.
love you
Reese