Saturday, February 23, 2008
The last two weeks have been exhausting in so many ways. It all started with the anxiety attack I described two posts down. From then on, I feel like it's been one thing after another. My first sermon, an application for a summer fellowship, a paper, a Hebrew exam and a history exam--mix into the bunch some houseguests and a new roommate, bills, groceries and all the things normal lives contain, along with discernment today and you get a picture of the hectic nature of the last couple weeks. It has left me feeling down, depressed and just plain tired.
All of this stress has caused considerable reflection on my perfectionism. I've been waking in the early mornings, creating imaginary scenarios for myself in my half-asleep, half-awake state. The other morning I 'dreamed' or 'thought' I had received work back from one of the summer programs I applied for telling me that they were granting me an interview, but that it would be with Carol Newsom. Of course, this makes no sense on a number of levels--my Old Testament prof is not likely to be interviewing for community-partnership fellows. That didn't stop me from an intense feeling of needing to prepare for this imaginary interview right then, and taking the next couple hours of precious sleep time concocting and answering the kind of questions only dreams can write. Or the other time I woke up at 3pm, convinced that it was time to start studying for my exam at 9:30 the next morning. Turns out sleep-studying is about as effective as eating sticks of butter in order to lose weight.
Today was mid-point reflection day in discernment. I presented my reflection, saying essentially that I was feeling more and more convinced that I was not called to the priesthood. I listed reasons like the work schedule, the constant complaints from parishioners, the long hours, not particularly enjoying the administrative aspects, etc. etc. I also said that even the language of 'call' has become problematic for me. What do we imply with the notion of being called to this or that--that God has one, particular, specific calling in mind for me and if I miss it, I'm screwed? In a book I'm reading for preaching class, Barbara Brown Taylor talks about her own discernment for the priesthood. One frustrated night, she commanded God to tell her in plain terms what she should do. The answer she received was "do anything that pleases you, and belong to me." What a liberating version of call! Maybe it's not important what I end up doing between the hours of 9-5. My vocation began at my baptism: to be God's person in the world.
But of course that doesn't answer the question of what I will do to earn money come May 2009. And while the discernment committee reminded me today that I do not have to decide today, I do have to decide. In fact, I'm probably waaaay behind the deciding curve. 26, married, soon to be MDiv with no clue about what comes next. But it seems so simple for most. Wes has always known he wanted to be a doctor. People graduate at 22, get jobs and have good lives all the time. What is my problem?
The discernment committee didn't buy my conclusive, final 'no' to the priesthood today. Whether they're right or wrong I have no idea, but they feel as though much of these vocational issues are getting muddled in what is really a quest to find whatever it is I can do most perfectly. PhD will be grueling and hard and I might get rejected? Oh, I'm not called. The priesthood is difficult, demanding and I will never make anyone happy? Nope, not called there either. They think it's my fear of failure, my fear of not being the best that has given me an easy, but disingenuous 'no.' Maybe they're right, but what really troubles me is how I'm supposed to figure out if they're right. The whole reason I entered discernment in the first place was to distinguish between my fears about being ordained from legitimate reasons for passing it over. Every month, things are brought to my attention that I already knew were there--"you're insecurity is going to be detrimental to parish ministry", "you're need for approval is not going to be fulfilled by whatever church you work in", "your perfectionism is hindering you from answering vocational questions honestly." Well no shit! The real question is what do I do about it?
And if I feel a sense of dread when I imagine myself as a priest, why waste my time pursuing it? If my vocation is to be God's person, why not find an easier road, one where psychological issues are not so directly related to my job, and where there are not a million hoops to jump through? And then I read this, and I think maybe this is just how it goes. Meg feels absolutely confidant about her calling and she is still often frustrated and afraid. I'm complicated. Life is complicated. I'm a perfectionist, so what? I'm also a child of God, a child who is waiting for a word from her Father, clear and plain. And the word I got today was 'grace.' There is grace here, even if I can't see it. God is here, working and moving in ways I don't know yet. I may be a wandering 45 year old still searching for a job she loves, but there is grace in that my vocation is sealed: I am God's.
meg